The whitest thing anyone has ever texted me.

The guy I’m deciding whether to date just casually referred to Starbucks by its Nasdaq abbreviation. Those are the weird details about a dude that I notice, especially the MBA types.

He’s the first guy I’ve taken the least bit seriously since that actor fucked me sideways at the beginning of the year. I’ve had a fling or two in the interim — a three day drug bender with a crazy hot bartender, Vegas with a platonic partner-in-crime — but I can already tell this new guy isn’t just a seat filler.

He’s an executive at a toy company who — surprise — has a raging case of peter pan syndrome. That I don’t mind. I can handle a certain boyish charm as long as it’s not accompanied by emotionally crippling levels of self-involvement.

We’ll see. He comes recommended by the kind of mutual friends who know my dark side. They’ve indicated that he’s too much for most girls to handle, which of course, I interpret as a challenge.

There’s an ex-wife who’s not in the picture. No kids. He’s probably seen the inside of Passages Malibu, but that kind of shit doesn’t scare me. Best I can tell, he’s a wild man who’s managed to convince the world he has his shit together. I want that. Hell, I need that if I’m expected to hold my interest longer than a holiday weekend.

Yeah, we’ll see.

Ugly-Sexy: Cool?

Here’s a thing I lent a few words to. Read it.

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Seriously, Richard. You’re an intelligent, educated man of science. It would take so little for you to pull your head out of your ass.
Prejudice against white people can be real, but it’s not racism. Prejudice against men can be real, but it’s not sexism. Racism and sexism include elements of systemic or institutionalized oppression, and the dominant cultural group is, by definition, not oppressed.
The concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic oppression really aren’t all that complicated, but they do require that you acknowledge the existence of both white and male privilege without being sarcastic.
It’s not that big a deal to wrap your head around these ideas, and given your sharp mind, I’m hopeful that one day you’ll have a legitimate epiphany about this stuff and stop acting like such a smug prick.

Seriously, Richard. You’re an intelligent, educated man of science. It would take so little for you to pull your head out of your ass.

Prejudice against white people can be real, but it’s not racism. Prejudice against men can be real, but it’s not sexism. Racism and sexism include elements of systemic or institutionalized oppression, and the dominant cultural group is, by definition, not oppressed.

The concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic oppression really aren’t all that complicated, but they do require that you acknowledge the existence of both white and male privilege without being sarcastic.

It’s not that big a deal to wrap your head around these ideas, and given your sharp mind, I’m hopeful that one day you’ll have a legitimate epiphany about this stuff and stop acting like such a smug prick.

popculturebrain:

Trailer: Porn parody of ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee’ | Death and Taxes

Yes, this is a real thing.

This scene is funnier and more culturally relevant than the average SNL sketch, with the added bonus of two hot people having sex.

There are plenty of painfully bad porn parodies out there, but the clever ones are important. When it’s done well, parody has the unique ability to broaden the intersection between pornography and pop culture. Adult content creators can enter the mainstream conversation and hold our attention with something more than just explicit sex.

We need that. It’s one thing for pornography to become ubiquitous due to technology, but it’s another thing entirely for it to become accepted as a positive cultural influence. This is how it happens.

Listen up, all you lovers and fuckers. I’ve got some really cool news. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been tapped to be the advice columnist for the re-launched Nerve.com.
I’ll be writing a weekly Dear Coquette column about love, sex, and relationships. My first column went live today, so check it out, and go have a great fucking weekend!

Listen up, all you lovers and fuckers. I’ve got some really cool news. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been tapped to be the advice columnist for the re-launched Nerve.com.

I’ll be writing a weekly Dear Coquette column about love, sex, and relationships. My first column went live today, so check it out, and go have a great fucking weekend!

Oh, Lila Rose, you button-nosed little wingnut. Your god is a fiction and your life’s purpose is poison. Since you’re too stupid to recognize how your ridiculous belief system only serves to increase human suffering, I’ve decided to offset the evil that you put out into the world by donating a large sum of money to Planned Parenthood in your honor.

You should all feel free to donate to Planned Parenthood in her honor as well. Be sure to send acknowledgements to:

Lila Grace Rose
2200 Wilson Blvd.
Suite 102, #111
Arlington, VA 22201

Went on a bit of a twitter bender. No regrets. Felt good to vent.
For the record, I did what I had to do tonight and gracefully stepped off the roller coaster. I guess we all do stupid shit when we’re rebounding.

Went on a bit of a twitter bender. No regrets. Felt good to vent.

For the record, I did what I had to do tonight and gracefully stepped off the roller coaster. I guess we all do stupid shit when we’re rebounding.

Holy shit. I just bought an original Kii Arens Pussy Riot print for a gram of blow.

Holy shit. I just bought an original Kii Arens Pussy Riot print for a gram of blow.

I heard my dentist say, “Oops!” then walk out the room nervously. The assistant came in to take another X-ray, and after a few minutes of staring into the illuminated palm trees on the ceiling that made me eerily crave a Corona with lime, I was informed in vague language that there might be a problem.
Great. I’ve been around enough doctors to know that when they start speaking in the passive voice, that means they’ve suddenly become wary of liability. This dude just fucked something up, and he didn’t want to freak me out about it.
Little did he know I had enough Xanax coursing through my bloodstream that he could’ve informed me the hole he just drilled into my tooth had opened up an evil portal across the 8th dimension, and I would have just smiled and said, “Laugh while you can, monkey-boy!”
No, instead he told me that something or other cracked and blah-blah-blah next to the bone and blah-blah-blah it’s probably not a big deal, but I’m gonna refer you to an endodontist.
Okay, dude. Whatever. Just give me a few of those big white pills, don’t send me a bill, and I won’t sue you. That sounds like a fair deal, right?
Anyways, now my whole week is about this one tooth. On the bright side, I won’t be in any pain, and not being able to chew is a great reason to go on a juice cleanse.

I heard my dentist say, “Oops!” then walk out the room nervously. The assistant came in to take another X-ray, and after a few minutes of staring into the illuminated palm trees on the ceiling that made me eerily crave a Corona with lime, I was informed in vague language that there might be a problem.

Great. I’ve been around enough doctors to know that when they start speaking in the passive voice, that means they’ve suddenly become wary of liability. This dude just fucked something up, and he didn’t want to freak me out about it.

Little did he know I had enough Xanax coursing through my bloodstream that he could’ve informed me the hole he just drilled into my tooth had opened up an evil portal across the 8th dimension, and I would have just smiled and said, “Laugh while you can, monkey-boy!”

No, instead he told me that something or other cracked and blah-blah-blah next to the bone and blah-blah-blah it’s probably not a big deal, but I’m gonna refer you to an endodontist.

Okay, dude. Whatever. Just give me a few of those big white pills, don’t send me a bill, and I won’t sue you. That sounds like a fair deal, right?

Anyways, now my whole week is about this one tooth. On the bright side, I won’t be in any pain, and not being able to chew is a great reason to go on a juice cleanse.

I’m frazzled and fried. Clocks are meaningless, and the sun is playing hard to get.

Jet lag is so much worse when all the drug residue is still squishing out of my squash. I have a raging case of sausage fingers, my brain is full of dryer lint, and my body can’t decide which hole to bleed from.

The good news is that my new dental insurance just kicked in, and in my infinite wisdom, I scheduled an appointment on the first Monday of the new year for someone to literally take a drill to my skull.

I can’t decide if that was being a responsible adult, or if the 2013 version of me was just playing a cruel joke on my 2014 self.

*77

We thought the case would last us the weekend, but it’s not gonna make it past brunch. It’s all good though. Last night’s debauchery was a much needed break from reality, and today is all about keeping the lights dimmed, listening to good music, and enjoying our hangovers.

My plan is to stay fucked up for the next thirty-six hours until I have to get on yet another plane. Meanwhile, a dude gave me a hotel bathrobe as a Christmas present. I can’t tell if it was last-minute and lazy, or if he just really gets me. Whatever. I’m not taking it off until 2014.

How Long Will I Love You (EMBRZ Remix) - Ellie Goulding


I’m feeling kind of vulnerable at the moment.

There were all sorts of things I was supposed to be doing this past month, and I’ve been neglecting them. I know I have. Whatever sins of procrastination I may have committed these past thirty days were necessary, though.

I’ve been transitioning out of a romantic relationship. I know that sounds like a fancy way to say I’ve been going through a break-up, but I’ve gone through break-ups before, and this has been an unfamiliar experience.

I suppose the result is the same in the end, but this time the process has been so much more introspective. I’ve been alone through it in ways that I’ve never been alone before. Not lonely, but completely on my own.

The strangest part about it is that not all that much has changed. Of course, things aren’t the same anymore, but they aren’t that much different either. I still have someone in my life that I love very much, but things are platonic now.

The transition from romantic to platonic was painful, but somehow natural. I still haven’t wrapped my head around how it happened, because it’s something that I used to think was next to impossible.

It did happen, though.

I had to take some time away from him at first, but we’ve since started hanging out again. The very first time he introduced me to other people as his “best friend,” it was jarring to hear the words. Still, they were completely accurate. It was a label that finally fit who we were to each other.

I thought it would upset me more, but it didn’t. I want to be his best friend. I want somebody in my life who’s as smart as me and sees the world like I do and can talk as much shit as I can. It’s an honor to be his best friend. Maybe that’s what we were all along.

I’m not to the point yet where I can high-five him when he gets laid, but I think I’ll be there soon enough. In the meantime, I’m completely undateable. I just don’t give a shit right now. The holidays are coming up, and I still have all this work I need to focus on, and I think it’s enough that I’m finally ready to crawl out of my own head and push forward with the next phase of my life.

We’ll see where it takes me.