Listen, motherfucker. I don’t know what you thought would happen when you picked me as your spirit animal, but you can take all that adorable woodland creature nonsense and shove it up your unenlightened ass. I’ve been around. I’ve seen shit. I fucked Bambi’s mother back when she was still hot.
That’s right, bitch. This ain’t gonna be some gentle cleansing of the soul. We’re not gonna skip through any dreamscape meadows together. We’re not gonna dip our cute little noses in any babbling brooks of mystic energy. I’m gonna drag your useless shrieking ego through the black forest shadow dimension until your higher consciousness can move through the eternal nothingness without fear of its own annihilation.
You think you’re ready for a vision quest? You’d better be, asshole. I’m gonna eye fuck so much ancient sacred wisdom into your thick human skull that time and space will melt away into harmonic vibrations of universal oneness.
Go ahead. Whisper your darkest fears and deepest secrets into my furry little ears. I’m the righteous guardian of your fate, and I’ve already seen your death.