Dear Justin Theroux and Paul Ryan,
Congratulations are in order, gentlemen! It appears that Jennifer Aniston and Mitt Romney have both finally chosen running mates, and you two are the lucky C-list celebrities who’ve been carefully selected from a small group of thoroughly vetted candidates.
The next few months are going to be a flurry of activity as America gets to know each of you, and I have no doubt you will prove to be better than some of the choices made in the past. You’re both relatively good looking, physically fit and have had your own respectable careers outside of the spotlight. Still, you’re in the A-list crowd now, and nothing you’ve done up to this point can prepare you for the ridiculousness to come.
Get used to being photographed wherever you go, and prepare yourself for a lot of stupid questions. People are suddenly going to care what you think, but try not to let it go to your head. Sure, you play a valuable role in the life of a VIP, but you’d be surprised how little your opinions matter. This is show business and/or politics (really, what’s the difference?) so get comfortable in your roles as highly styled arm-candy and never forget who brought you to the party.
Your partners are both very famous, very wealthy and very bland. It’s not that they don’t have broad appeal, but let’s be honest. They’re vanilla flavored members of the super-rich elite who’ve spent their lives skating by on generic good looks while making outrageous fortunes pretending to be regular middle-class folks.
That’s fine. Good for them, but that kind of life tends to make people lose touch with reality a bit, and you need to take that into account as your relationships enter this new phase. Remember, you are part of a couple, but you are not the star. Whatever you do, don’t outshine your partner. That will lead to a public relations nightmare, and things could end in a matter of months instead of a matter of years.
Keep your eyes on the prize, fellas. Don’t get caught up in any scandals, only speak when spoken to, and do your best not to screw this up. If you’re both incredibly lucky, then sometime next year you’ll be saying your wedding vows or swearing an oath of office.
Either way, good luck playing second fiddle.
Yours in subservience,
(Read my Unsolicited Advice column weekends in The Daily.)