There’s been a lot of post-election talk about unifying the country, so I’m writing to you on behalf of the blue states, in the hopes of chipping away at some of the bitter divisiveness.
You see, I’ve lived on both sides of the great American political divide. I was born and raised in a God-fearing, gun-toting, Fox-News-watching red state, a place that refers to itself as the Heartland. My family members are all conservative, church-going Republicans. They are good, honest, self-made people — the very job creators that guys like Mitt Romney are always talking about.
Of course, as soon as I was old enough to drive, I made my way to the other side of the country, all the way to California, the bluest of blue states filled with godless Hollywood liberals, pro-choice homosexual union members and other assorted socialist heathens that filled the nightmares of my right-wing parents.
I am intimately familiar with the rift in America’s socio-political landscape. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to bridge the divide between red state and blue state, and it’s never been more difficult than during this past election year.
Politics have polarized this country to such a degree that the two sides don’t even represent the same realities. I watched time and again as cold hard facts were debated as if they were political opinions. I’ve bitten my tongue as tempers flared, because everything has become so deeply personal. Respectful disagreement doesn’t even seem possible anymore, because both sides aren’t just defending their politics — they’re defending their identities.
Thankfully, the election has come and gone. The worst is over for now, and we can all go back to our regular lives. The Democrats happened to win the day, but under slightly different circumstances, it could have been the Republicans. It might as well have been a coin toss for all the stress and anger it’s caused us, and perhaps that’s the most glaring irony of this process. Half of this country votes red, and half of this country votes blue. We’re two sides of the same coin that gets flipped every four years so that a tiny sliver of undecided swing staters can call it in the air.
I for one am tired of all the divisiveness. We have our differences of opinion, and that’s okay. We shouldn’t let our politics come between us. Now how about we all sit down for an election-free Thanksgiving dinner, and finally talk about something else?
Yes on 30 - Taxes to Fund Education - This is a piece of shit tax increase from a piece of shit governor, but if it doesn’t pass, California schools will descend into post-apocalyptic chaos, so it gets a reluctant yes.
Fuck it on 31 - The State Budget - Vote yes or no, it doesn’t matter, because everyone still takes it in the ass. This is a perfect example of why California’s system of direct voting by ballot measure is a fucking joke. Average citizens have no business dealing with this mess. We have representative government for this very reason.
No on 32 - Political Contributions by Payroll Deduction - This is some sneaky, evil shit. They say it’s to stop organizations from using paycheck money for political purposes, but it’s really just the one-percenters trying to cut the knees out from under the last remaining political power structure available to the working class. It’s the worst kind of political skullduggery, and if you vote yes, you’re an asshole.
No on 33 - Auto Insurance - The chairman of a major insurance company is spending a ton of money to change the laws about auto insurance. Hmm. I wonder who that will benefit.
Yes on 34 - End the Death Penalty - Other than voting for Obama, this is the single most wonderful thing I get to vote for on Election Day. Fuck the death penalty. Citizens who grant the state a right to kill them are idiots.
Whatever on 35 - Human Trafficking - This proposition is fluff. It’s bullshit window dressing that won’t put a dent in human trafficking. But hey, if it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, feel free to vote for it. Whatever.
Yes on 36 - Three Strikes Law - The three strikes law has always been ridiculous, and this is a baby step in the right direction towards abolishing it.
No on 37 - Genetically Modified Food Labels - This stupid hippie shit is the reason other states make fun of us.
No on 38 - Tax to Fund Education and Early Childhood Programs - This is the rich bitch alternative to Prop 30. They both suck, but this one sucks worse.
Yes on 39 - Multistate Business Tax Break - This closes a tax break loophole for out-of-state businesses. In other words, “fuck ‘em where they live.”
Yes on 40 - Senate Redistricting - The only people spending money to fight this are butthurt Republicans. ‘Nuf said.