1) Watch your weight and appearance very carefully because we have a very simple and uncontrollably powerful algorithm in our brains that renders us less likely to commit to you with each additional pound of weight you gain. Once you’re over a BMI of about 22, the vast majority of guys who act interested just want to sleep with you and leave. Beyond about 24, most of them want nothing to do with you. It isn’t fair, but knowing this could save you a ton of heartache.
2) Yes, we secretly think we’re better, smarter, more creative, and more noble-minded than you, regardless of what TV, movies and magazines portray these days. It’s this inborn egotism that’s compelled us to build cities, invent electricity and send satellites to the edges of the solar system. We just never talk about it because we need you and don’t want to piss you off.
3) The number of men you’ve slept with tremendously influences our perception of your quality and potential as a long term partner. Be aware that the average guy will use this fact as a barometer for whether you are commitment material or short-term material. An ugly truth it is, but a double standard it’s not for the simple fact that it takes skill for us to get you, but not the other way around. Therefore it comes off as gluttonous behavior in a girl and furthermore, puts us in danger of raising kids that aren’t our own.
4) We don’t really care about your degrees or career ambitions, so save your breath. We’ll only acknowledge those things if we like the way you look, and even then, the most attention our brains will devote to them is an “Oh, you went to Yale? That’s nice.” We just care that you have a baseline level of common sense so that you don’t make our lives miserable and our kids dumb.
5) For the most part, we find you boring. You’ll never be able to discuss sports, politics, science, technology, or current affairs the way our male friends do and you’ll never be as funny as them. The only reason we talk to you is because we like the way you look and we can’t live without you.
It seems as though you’ve wandered into our little community and left us all a big steaming pile of misogynistic bullshit. Not cool, dude.
Speaking on behalf of tumblr, let me just say that we see right through you. We know your type. We recognize you for what you really are, and we are thoroughly unimpressed. You’re not a “tech entrepreneur.” You’re just another asshole with a few rudimentary computer programming skills filled with narcissistic rage at what will inevitably be a life of quiet desperation.
You’re terrified of your own pathetic mediocrity, and it comes seething out of you in the form of misdirected anger towards women. You are a ridiculous preening boy confused by a false notion of manhood and a poisonous opinion of womanhood. Your world view is dangerous. Not only will it hurt you, but it will hurt the people who can tolerate being close to you.
I can tell that you aren’t ready for the avalanche of notes you’re about to receive, and I even hesitate to write you for fear that you will somehow mistake this attention for positive reinforcement. Please understand, this ain’t gonna go well for you. You done fucked up, son.
For now, you’re just the douchebag-du-jour, but if you don’t get the fuck gone or change your tune, you run the risk of doing serious damage to your career and your future relationships. Yep. It’s that serious.
You see, I checked your profiles on Facebook and LinkedIn just to make sure this shit wasn’t satire. Interestingly, you’re not the kind of guy who can afford any scrutiny, much less negative publicity, and I really don’t think you’re ready for the kind of shaming you’re about receive.
Of course, you’re free to write whatever you like here, but please know that the things you post are very public, and as you’ll soon find out, actions have consequences.
Remember, Mika. Reputation is everything.